My birthday is in a few days. I will be 44. I can’t say that I am where I thought I’d be at this age. When I was 12 I suffered a heart attack due to a congenital heart condition. The likelihood I would live past the age of 40 was pretty slim, so 44 is quite the feat. With the bar set as low as it could be I suppose I didn’t strive for anything too stellar.

I’ve had a tricky last few years. Mama died in January and then dad died in December. I’m suddenly an orphan. The death of my mom was a surprise, though not a shock. My dad however was simply sad. After 9 months of fighting glioblastoma, his body finally had enough. I miss them both.

Luckily though I find myself in a good relationship with someone I truly love. I didn’t expect to ever find love again, so this makes for a wonderful surprise. I even have a doggy that came with the boyfriend, he too is just dandy!

I want to create again. I miss putting something to something and making art. The drive just isn’t there anymore. Breathing in and out all day is sometimes all I’m capable of. There is no art in that. Unless one sees creativity in the act of waking up and loving another person well. If so, I’m Rembrandt!

Since losing both of my parents, I find less and less to be angsty about. After all, there isn’t anyone to be shocked by anything I do. Half the fun of screwing up in life is having a parent be disappointed but then love you back to better. If I screw up now, I’m just an irresponsible middle aged man who should know better. The world hardly needs another one of those.

My dog breathed out a contented sigh while resting next me to. Is there anything better than that? Having the opportunity to offer a good home to a worthy soul makes life worth living. If I’m able to get that kind of sigh out of him, I’m doing something right. He’s safe and comfortable. What else is there?

I made chocolate chocolate chip cookies today. It was fun. Just me and the pup. He watched every action in the process. I said out loud “any child of mine should also love to bake”. He walked over to the kitchen window and gazed out. We finished up and proceeded to watch How Do They Do It? On Discovery+. Overall, not a bad afternoon.